What Not to Say to Someone Unemployed

Guest blog written by Grace Normand

As someone who recently went on the thrilling journey of unemployment – crafting the perfect application just to never hear back, having a great phone call with the recruiter just to be ghosted, and constantly receiving emails from job boards for roles I’m not even qualified for – I learned a lot from the experience.

One thing I noticed is that after a while, every conversation I had with friends, family, and professionals seemed to blur together. People offered the same lines I already knew and asked the same questions I had answered many times before.  

It comes from a well-meaning place, but the frustration these conversations cause is accentuated by the draining and discouraging processes of job searching. So, from personal experience, here are a few things you probably should not say to someone who is unemployed (followed by some alternative ways you can be most helpful).

Don’t Say…

“My son-in-law’s second cousin was unemployed for 10 months but recently got a wonderful job at ABC Company.” (His field is completely unrelated).

I think this comes from our human desire to relate to one another’s struggles when, in reality, we can’t relate to things we haven’t experienced. While it is sometimes encouraging to hear a success story, it was never my focus and had no meaningful significance to me if it was about someone I didn’t even know.

It’s okay – we haven’t all gone through the same experiences. An “I’m sorry you’re going through this” can go a much longer way than an attempt to relate with three degrees of separation. But if you ever do have personal experience job searching, stories about it are always welcome. And if your son-in-law’s second cousin is in the same industry I am, I’d love an introduction.

“It really is all about who you know.”

Yep. No one serious about job searching hasn’t heard how crucial who you know is, and if they are putting appropriate effort into their search, they are already working hard to grow their connections and utilize the ones they have. Although well-meaning, this comment can feel like it’s putting down their competence, which might already feel bruised by unemployment. (It is also worth mentioning that I had plenty of interviews with companies that I did not have a connection with and ultimately landed my current role without a connection).

“You previously interned at XYZ Company, right? Do they not have any openings? Have you reached out?”

I can promise you that the person you’re speaking to either has reached out to previous employers, is already aware that they do not have current opportunities, or has made the decision not to pursue further work at the company (or a mix of all of these). And they probably don’t want to be reminded of or talk about another dead end.

Do Say…

“What can I do to help?”

The difference between this and “Let me know if I can help” is subtle, but important. We often take the easy route by asking to be informed if we can help. But think about it – how often do you take others up on that offer? “What can I do to help?” shows that you are at the ready, waiting for marching orders. It shows that you aren’t just saying the right thing, but that you actually mean it.

You are far more likely to find something valuable to help with if you approach the situation with this wording. And this simple question should come before any of the more specific ones listed below. After they’ve either shared what you can help with or expressed that they aren’t sure at the moment and need more direction, the following questions may help guide them.

“I have a friend from church who works in your field. May I introduce you?”

This is going to be a key cue to determine how driven the person is in their search and if they’re willing to put in the work. I never declined an introduction unless I felt it wasn’t a good fit or related to my industry or profession. As the link, it’s important that you make sure your connection isn’t too much of a stretch and that the career or industry is relevant.

“There’s a local networking and job search group I’ve heard co-workers speak highly of. I can send you the information.”

If they’ve been searching for a while, it’s likely that they already know about most local resources, but it’s always worth mentioning. If you haven’t personally participated in any groups or used unemployment resources, think about any friends you know who may have that you can ask for recommendations.

“I’m always available to you as a reference, and I’m happy to email letters of recommendation for any jobs you’re serious about.”

This depends on your relationship with the person and your professional field and experience level (for example, it would be unprofessional for a parent to do this for a child or for a software engineer to recommend a buddy for a physician’s role). However, if you are in a position to be a reference, the reassurance that you can be reused for multiple applications and can also be asked to send emails is huge. We applicants start to become nervous that we are over-using our references who generously offered, and we like the reassurance.

To Conclude

If you come across opportunities to help people who are searching for their next role, I hope this helped you. Every situation is different and requires nuance, but these are generally the questions I would use and avoid. And if you are currently looking for your next role… I see you, and I know the frustrations it can bring. Feel free to reach out to me for Cincinnati resources and non-frustrating questions!

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Grace Normand is a Cincinnati-based marketing and communications professional in the education industry with a passion for combining her love of storytelling, writing, and strategy. She earned a Bachelor of Arts in Communication paired with a concentration in Organizational Communication and minors in Professional Writing and Sport Management from Taylor University. Grace is a coffee addict and doting cat mom.